so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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