it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I came so hard my ears popped.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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