I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
