my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
