No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
