He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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