Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
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