This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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