Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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