Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
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