we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
