shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
