I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
