just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
