It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
