saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
