I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
