Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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