smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
