So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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