i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
