we have pet lesbian snakes
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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