I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
