Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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