Your tits are I can't wait for
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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