omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
