the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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