Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
