Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
