She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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