I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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