dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
