So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We need a shit load of segways right now
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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