i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
