you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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