take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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