watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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