I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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