I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
