I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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