She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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