OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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