community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
