Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
