I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
