i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
