She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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