he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize