Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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