let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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