i barfeds in our rink
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
