Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
