i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
