this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So much rum. So many feels.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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