Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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