4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
