barbara walters just said penis...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize