Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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