I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
